Welcome to China,英文翻译

R 2011-07-27 18:19:11

Hi, Breivik, I'm a girl from China. Some time ago, I heard that you killed at least 86 people. So tonight, over the toilet bowl as I emptied my bowels, I meditated on my thoughts and decided to write a letter to you. I don't think I can keep my cool, so even if this pisses you off, try keep your cool! Though I don't think you'll get to read this letter.

First and foremost, you're fucking lucky to be born in Norway. You don't have to pay school fees, and the government covers your expenses head to dick. When you marry, they take care of your kids, and when you retire you can sit at home and drink tea!!! What's stress-free, this is fucking stress-free! You can't imagine how many people in the Far East envy you! And your fucking dick!!! Why don't you treasure your blissful life!

I was watching the CCTV [China's main state media] news at noon, and when the reporters got to your house, I saw it and I was like, seriously, WOAH, now that's a mansion! Look at how many floors there are!!! You can keep a harem in there, man! Then the reporters followed the police to your farm. Damned it, you've even got a farm! How many hectares there are I wonder! Don't you know farms are rarer than pharms in China!!!* Are you living your life properly, seriously!
So you've killed a whole bunch of people, what do you want?

What one wants from life -- isn't that being able to raise your kids, and be taken care of when you're old? You don't have to drink melamine-laced milk when you were growing up, nor eat vegetables, though cheaper, but, coated in waste-oil -- actually if I tell you that the taste isn't bad, would you be envious?

When you're lonely you can go look at the sea and the fjord, when you've nothing to do you can go skiing and fishing. If you don't have issues with morality you can even buy some hugs and kisses with some money, and it's not even illegal to be gay, what else are you unsatisfied about? I heard that your dad is happily settled in a house in France, why don't you visit him if you're so free? Treat it as a vacation! P.S. Do you know that somewhere in the Far East, how absolutely difficult it is to travel overseas for the average man?

I learned that Europe has rail passes from watching movies, and that you can take trains between the European countries freely as you wish. I don't know if that's available in Norway, but you've got such stunningly beautiful scenery, you can bring your wife on a short trip out of town, have a picnic and sing some songs, isn’t that still some fun.

People who have not lived life in HARD MODE have no idea what real hardship is.

I don't know if you still have followers or fans, if there are, I have one advice for them -- hurry up back into your mommies' arms, your lives are all beds of roses, really.

There's an old saying in Chinese -- "Desires arise when your bodily comforts are guaranteed". I'm not good at literature, I don't know if this desire refers to just sexual desire or all desires, but let's take it to be negative impulses for the sake of this letter. What I want to say about your act is simply this "You've had it too good".** Think about the kids starving to skeletons in Africa, they've got no time to think about how to unleash revenge onto the society. Actually, I think the Norway government isn't completely blameless in this. Think about it, they've taken such good care of you that you don't have to worry about scraping by. When people have free time on their hands, their thoughts tend to go wild. Think about yourself, am I right about that. Someone else also said, 'when people think, God laughs'!

I heard that you don't even have to die for killing so many people, I don't know if I should congratulate you. After all, living to old age is a luxury so many people can't afford.
Given the small chance you'll step out of jail again, I sincerely hope you can consider reincarnating in China for your next life.*** In China, life is bundled with worries. The Yellow River and the Yellow Mountain gives you constipation, Yangzi and Great Wall makes you want to run for the loo. You've got to fight against toxic milk powder, and compete with drugged pork. You've got to stuff your time full of enrichment classes and juggle them as you run. If you're lucky, you may get to go overseas, and return to where you were in the previous life, and then you can let out a long sigh of relief. If you're not lucky, you've got to survive the battlefield of university entry exams, and then get into the university. Then you can worry about dating and finding jobs. Perhaps when you finally have a house and a car, you can lie back and have fun letting your dick out, would you then feel a little lost, or perhaps just a momentary relief?

But don't worry, there's still more ups and downs to life. When your kid is about to be born, you'll need to worry about his household registration****, his IQ, and his health. You can't afford to lose at the starting line, so you've got to start educating him before he's born. If you can do it, you'll want to stuff a library into him, through mom's tummy.

Then your kid is born, and we can skip 800 words here -- you've been there, it's a familiar and complicated cycle all over again.

Is that still not enough worries to give you the excitement you seek?

No problem, there's yet another thing up life's sleeve, in English you call it surprise, in Chinese, it's accident.

It works like Marxism in Chinese -- the supply is always greater than demand.

Surprises take you to heaven and hell, and it comes and leaves in a rush. So here you have it -- exhilaration that's hard to forget.

You might suddenly find the ATM spewing huge wads of cash, or you might be knocked down by a speeding motorbike as you walk along the road, or run over by a truck under a tree. You might also end up peddling fruits by the streets, escaping from sound beatings by the city's management for marring the view. Or you might be taken pity upon by some mysterious BOSS-level person, and become a kept man, adorned with Hermés and Maserati. Or you might not have such exotic encounters, but rather, living a peaceful life with your kids and your wife, making the occasional vacation trip, sitting on a bullet train heading out of town. Isn't that a little déjà vu, as though it's happened before? Have patience, you may be able to guess the starting, but you can't guess the end.

While you were having some family time on the bullet train, suddenly there's a jolt, and then a crash.
And you know what, the most exciting thing is, you're dead, but on the list of casualties, you're still ‘alive’.

I've ranted so much so far, I wonder if you're a little moved at all. It's now 23:11 Beijing time, and it's bedtime for me. There are trillions of things I still want to say, but here's one last sentence for you to think about:

Welcome to China.

* Actually this is originally 'dong chang' which is the ancient law-enforcement beau in China, there's a bit of historical reference so I've taken my liberty with the translation. Translations are like women, they are either faithful or beautiful, so says someone. Don’t quote me on it.
** The original phrase was 'you've had too much to eat', given Chinese's usage of eating as representative of bodily needs and beyond, this generally means that you've had it too good that you're making a fuss of it.
***well, check out Buddhism.
****It's not a pretty system, trust me.

Original article: http://www.douban.com/note/163506127/
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