She was beautiful and she knew that she was beautiful but I think that's all she knew. And that's just jealousy, really. If you are naturally beautiful, that's all you need in this world. I used to get so excited by models at parties. "Models! There are models at this party. I've got to go and flirt with the models." "Must have a model." I was recently at a party, there were two models stood in front of me and I was all ready to go into action and I just thought, "Oh, fuck you." Right? Because what have they done? They've grown high. I learnt to juggle. It hasn't helped. It hasn't helped me. Why did nobody put a piano in front of me as a child? Then I could be a guy now, who can play the piano in a bar, taking requests. There are no requests with juggling, other than, "Don't juggle."
It's not a naturally occurring thing, we had to have all this romantic language. Will you marry me? Because it couldn't be the truth, which is, will you please save me from my loneliest depression and fear? Because people would have said, "I'm quite busy.”
Do you remember when people thought money was the answer? That money would make them happy? If I could just win the Lottery, "Oh, I have won it. Oh, I've spent it all. The problem was internal."
Money is just a system for moving things around and to be so attached to things. "Oh, I love my car. I love my car." Do you? Or do you just hate your wife?
I live alone and that's fine. You just have to make plans, that's the key, especially if you don't have a normal job because if you live alone and you don't make plans, here is what happens, you wake up and it just gets darker.
I'm now watching the least ethical porn and... I don't even know how it happened. I used to say to people, and it was true, I can watch pornography as long as the people in it are clearly smiling and enjoying what they're doing. That is not the case anymore. I'm now rarely watching anything unless there is a person in it who's been tricked. And everything in my fridge is fair-trade and organic, the porn is neither.
Just have to make plans, that's the key, you just have to make plans, so that life has the illusion of meaning and forward momentum and that's why you're here, so you've done something tonight. Because people tomorrow will ask you, "What did you do last night?" and then you can say, "I went to a live taping at the BBC "cos I live in London. I'm alive, I'm alive." Are you, though? Or are you just desperately filling the time so you don't have to feel all the pain? Well, you came to the wrong show.
I remember reading at school the book To Kill A Mockingbird and there was a character in it who went on this heroic journey of self-improvement, attaining a purity. She knew she was dying and she wanted to give up her addiction to morphine before that moment. And I remember thinking, "What a stupid thing to do." If I knew I had two months to live, one of the things I would take up would be morphine. I have had it for an operation and it is like a hug from the inside. It feels like love but with none of the bother. You wouldn't give it up, you'd say, "OK, double the morphine, "and bring me Atticus Finch." That story of Mrs Dubose, I think... I think what that was about was about her wanting to feel all of life, rather than numbing it in any way. The pain must be felt. The pain must be felt.
There is this knowledge now in me that I'm here purely to enjoy being here and joy doesn't just mean laughter. There's joy in tears. There's joy in authentic experience. But it's difficult to stay connected to that joy, to your true self if you watch the news. So I've stopped doing that because it isn't even the news. What they give us is the worst things they can come up with that have happened in the world that day and that's not a fair representation of what's going on in our planet. If it was the news, I could watch it, because it would be, "Oh, hi, how are you? Did you have a nice day?" "The news team, we had a barbecue." Let's see what we've got for you. So the sun came up again, grass continued to grow. Now, some people have died but you never met. So you can't feel bad about that. Don't feel bad about not feeling bad. That would be silly. And also, everything's being dealt with by experts. If you're still watching, we'll go live to our Middle East correspondent, Harold. What can you tell us? "Well, it's just ridiculous." Thank you, Harold. But we have to watch the news, don't we? Because what if you're at a dinner party and somebody said, "Oh, did you hear the news?" and you weren't able to say, "I know," and then carry on eating, but with sadder faces? But is it selfish? I think we are selfish, as human beings, and we should embrace this, not feel guilty about it. What it means to be selfish is you are fully in alignment with who you really are and after that, you could be quite useful in the world. This, I mean, what I'm doing now is completely selfish. I just like doing this. I know it doesn't seem selfish because it's brought such joy to television, but really... The only news that I need is - Hello, somebody's coming towards your specific house now with a knife.
I feel we need to be fully connected to who we are, which is each other, nature, the universe, or at least be in a relationship. Otherwise, you feel alone and you eat everything. I know this because I was in a hotel room recently, alone. I'm in a relationship now and there was a chance he could come out and meet me for the weekend. He didn't. The first thing I do when I get to this hotel room is go to the minibar, which I thought was an act of curiosity because I don't drink alcohol, I'm pretty much a vegan now, so there's nothing in there for me and I thought it was curiosity. But it was clear loneliness, because I then just started opening every drawer in the room hoping to find a little friend somewhere. I order a salad from room service. The reason I became a vegan, by the way, is because last year I became addicted to eating a chocolate cake every night. And... I needed a label to stop that from happening. Sometimes you need a label. Like the only way to not drink alcohol at a party is to be a recovering alcoholic, cos people say, "Do you want a drink?" "I'm a recovering alcoholic." "Fair enough." Otherwise it's, "Do you want a drink?" "No, thank you." "Have a drink!" It's like these people, their only aim is to turn everyone into an alcoholic and if they meet one they think, "Oh, you're done, fine."