One day, I put my hand into it. I wanted to make myself feel something.
I get these moments when I have to lie down, because everything feels sort of too much.
And I look up and see the blue, or the grey, or the black, and I feel myself melting into it.
And for like a split second, I feel free, and happy.
Innocent. Like a dog, or an alien.
Or a baby.
Phil: I thought, probably, he was gay.
Alyssa: Maybe I am gay. Maybe he is asexual. We are dealing with a really broad spectrum these days.
Sometimes, everything is suddenly really simple. It's like everything shifts in a moment. You step out of your body, out of your life. You step out and you see where your are, really clearly. You see yourself, and you think... fuck this shit.
I didn't know where we were going or when I was goinng to kill her, but I punched my dad in the face and stole his car, and that felt like a good place to start.
Sometimes I just let things happen. Even though I didn't want them to.
I tended not to feel things. For a long time, I was good at it. Good at feeling absolutely nothing.
I didn't even have to try. I just didn't.
Being wth Alyssa had started to make me feel things. She made me feel things.
And I didn't like it at all.
James: Are you a virgin?
James: Me too.
Alyssa: Yeah, no shit.
It's strange. A lot of the time you don't register the important moments in your life as they happen. You only see that they were important when you look back.
I realised that she was scared of me. That felt kind of unfair. I'd been her protector.
I was never Alyssa's protector. She was mine.
Having finally murdered a human, I realised something quite important. I was pretty sure that I wasn't a psychopath.
Alyssa: I won't leave you again.
His trust in us is kind of heartbreaking... but what are you going to do?
Sometimes you realise you've had a thing keeping you going that might be a lie.
It's like we are on the edge of the world, like we're safe. Only, we're not.
We can't stay here. We can't go home. We should go away. Properly away, like somewhere foreign. Somewhere new, completely new and start again.
It's much easier to think someone's the answer, if you haven't seen them for years. Because they are not really real. People can't be answers. They are just more questions.
I've just turned 18, and I think I understand... what people mean to each other.