I was Max once

隆咚锵
2009-11-28 看过
因为不想成为可耻的人,所以在人生的道路上才不断地在寻找朋友。我就是这样,常常为这个过程感到无限的疲惫。其实,往往是那些安静的孤独的晚上,对着键盘的时刻,才让我感到无比的自在。如果说我是Max的话,我宁愿就这样在某个清晨悄悄的死去而不打扰到曾经让我学会微笑的朋友。

其实,从Max写给Mary的第一封信开始我就不断地流眼泪。看到他坐在打字机前面认真的敲打的每一个字,那些单调而寂静的场景是多么的熟悉。大部分时间,我就是这样度过,或者说,即使有很多人在身边,我也常常会有一种很安静的感觉,似乎只能听到那些声音的频率而已。我仿佛看到我自己,丑陋,肥胖,懒惰,懦弱,却渴望美好,勇敢与坚强。而同时Max又是那样的可爱,他会发明属于自己的词confuzzled,他会给市长写信,他的内心深处有着多么可爱而顽皮的一面啊。但是同时,他不断的在数有几根烟头。我一直觉得,当有一天你觉得生活不再精彩的时候,就会开始计算身边的一切,就如同睡不着数羊一样,这只是一种让自己坚持下去的办法。那些一个人寂寞的夜晚,如果是日久天长的话,一定会吞没心中的信念。

我想我之所以像Max一样也如此的焦虑与厌烦多半是出于对于自己的失望。我们都曾经因为自己的小智慧而得意洋洋。但当我走过青少年时代,发现自己并没有变得好看,也没有很有钱之后,我并非自愿但是毫无选择的接受了“我并不完美”的这个事实。我无法跟任何一个人很自然的在生活中谈起这些事情,因为这些心底的痛苦似乎并不适合作为日常交谈的内容。我每天都如此深刻地感受着自己的不完美,却无能为力。我发现原来我可以成为任何样子,却不可能成为我所期待的那样子。就像Max所说的那样,when i was young, I want to be anybody but myself。似乎如果有一天我真地对自己彻底失望了,我也会开始和Max一样过上单调的生活,因为如果无法成为最完美的样子,其他的一切都并没有什么区别了。如果我不能像Max一样遇到Mary,我宁愿一个人静静地在某个清晨离开。也许人生不过就是这样。

这就是我,在孤独中可耻的人

Max的最后一封信

Dear Mary,

Please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection as a sign that I forgive you.

When I received your book, the emotions inside my brain felt like they were in a tumble dryer, smashing into each other. The hurt felt like when I accidentally stapled my lips together. The reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect and so am I. All humans are imperfect, even the men outside my apartment who litters. When I was young, I wanted to be anybody but myself. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said if I was on a desert island then I would have to get used to my own company, just me and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, and that we don't get to choose our warts. They are a part of us and we have to live with them. We can, however, choose our friends and I am glad I have chosen you.

Dr. Bernard Hazelhof also said that everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk. Some are well paved. Others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts. Your sidewalk is like mine but probably not as many cracks. Hopefully, one day, our sidewalk will meet and we can share a can of condensed milk. You are my best friends. You are my only friend.

Your American penpal, Max Jerry Horowitz.


这是第二早有看了一遍之后写下的补充,Max即使中了头奖,也还是那个在别人眼中贫穷的人,因为他不是贪婪的人,所以即使拥有了再多的财富,他还是那个只需要巧克力和noblet的人。但是Max临死的时候,身边并没有巧克力,他所有的noblet都送给了那个曾经伤害过他的朋友。他微笑,看着那些远方飞来的一封一封的信件,手里拿着的不是巧克力,而是Mary最爱的食物,[Hopefully, one day, our sidewalk will meet and we can share a can of condensed milk.] 只是没想到原来交汇点却是路的尽头。

我想到了所有悲伤的事情,却感觉很温暖。
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