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英文翻译 Workshop™ 英文翻译 Workshop™ 150213翻译爱好者

我翻译的诗,求指导

Amberose 2010-07-22
Roses and Rue 玫瑰与芸香
by Oscar Wilde

Could we dig up this long-buried treasure,
我们可否掘起那湮灭已久的珍宝
Were it worth the pleasure,
趁它仍有欢愉的价值时
We never could learn love's song,
我们尚未知悉恋曲
We are parted too long
我们已然长久别离

Could the passionate past that is fled
若过往的狂热逃似撤离
Call back its dead,
呼唤死灵之影
Could we live it all over again,
若我们可重拾旧梦
Were it worth the pain!
痛楚在所不惜!

I remember we used to meet
吾忆曾经时时见
By an ivied seat,
常青藤椅边
And you warbled each pretty word
汝声颤啭回旋
With the air of a bird;
与莺声调同歌

And your voice had a quaver in it,
汝音八分颤入言
Just like a linnet,
恰似红雀
And shook, as the blackbird's throat
然则战栗,如黑鹂喉音
With its last big note;
声嘹而结尾

And your eyes, they were green and grey
啊,你的眼眸,翠中带烟
Like an April day,
像一个四月天
But lit into amethyst
忽转紫晶内含光
When I stooped and kissed;
若我俯身而亲吻

And you...
Roses and Rue 玫瑰与芸香
by Oscar Wilde

Could we dig up this long-buried treasure,
我们可否掘起那湮灭已久的珍宝
Were it worth the pleasure,
趁它仍有欢愉的价值时
We never could learn love's song,
我们尚未知悉恋曲
We are parted too long
我们已然长久别离

Could the passionate past that is fled
若过往的狂热逃似撤离
Call back its dead,
呼唤死灵之影
Could we live it all over again,
若我们可重拾旧梦
Were it worth the pain!
痛楚在所不惜!

I remember we used to meet
吾忆曾经时时见
By an ivied seat,
常青藤椅边
And you warbled each pretty word
汝声颤啭回旋
With the air of a bird;
与莺声调同歌

And your voice had a quaver in it,
汝音八分颤入言
Just like a linnet,
恰似红雀
And shook, as the blackbird's throat
然则战栗,如黑鹂喉音
With its last big note;
声嘹而结尾

And your eyes, they were green and grey
啊,你的眼眸,翠中带烟
Like an April day,
像一个四月天
But lit into amethyst
忽转紫晶内含光
When I stooped and kissed;
若我俯身而亲吻

And your mouth, it would never smile
而你的双唇,从不拘言笑
For a long, long while,
时悠久远长
Then it rippled all over with laughter
然漪波涞漾于笑颜
Five minutes after.
忽而绽放

You were always afraid of a shower,
你惧怕骤雨袭来
Just like a flower:
似一朵娇花
I remember you started and ran
犹记你惊起而疾走
When the rain began.
当雨水初降

I remember I never could catch you,
我寻思从未将你擒擭
For no one could match you,
无人可与你相媲美
You had wonderful, luminous, fleet,
精美而明净,轻盈且飘忽
Little wings to your feet.
你的双足带有小小翅膀

I remember your hair - did I tie it?
我铭记你的青丝——曾亲自挽起
For it always ran riot -
它们总不羁地乱跑
Like a tangled sunbeam of gold:
如一缕阳光下蓬松的金丝
These things are old.
些许陈年旧事

I remember so well the room,
我仍记宅宇安好
And the lilac bloom
紫丁香绽满枝头
That beat at the dripping pane
落花掷地有声
In the warm June rain;
在温暖的六月雨中

And the colour of your gown,
你长袍的色彩
It was amber-brown,
是琥珀褐色
And two yellow satin bows
两条明黄缎带
From the shoulders rose.
从肩胛延伸开来

And the handkerchief of French lace
带有法式花边的手帕
Which you held to your face-
——用于擦拭你的面庞
Had a small tear left a stain?
承接了细碎的泪迹
Or was it the rain?
或说那其实是雨痕?

On your hand as it waved adieu
当你手中的帕摆动起来
There were veins of blue;
有着蓝色的纹理
In your voice as it said good-bye
用你的声音说着道别的话语
Was a petulant cry,
易怒地啼哭着

"You have only wasted your life."
“你只许挥霍你的生命。”
(Ah, that was the knife!)
(啊,就是一把利刃!)
When I rushed through the garden gate
当我贸然穿过花园的大门
It was all too late.
为时已晚矣

Could we live it over again,
我们可否再重新来过
Were it worth the pain,
这值得付出痛楚的代价
Could the passionate past that is fled
惛伮的往事就这样消散吧
Call back its dead!
若回来则唯有死路

Well, if my heart must break,
嗟夫,若吾心必碎
Dear love, for your sake,
亲爱之人,仅为汝之缘由
It will break in music, I know,
将会在乐声中碎裂,我明白
Poets' hearts break so.
诗人们的心是这样堕亡的

But strange that I was not told
但奇怪的是我并未被告知
That the brain can hold
头脑可以被禁锢
In a tiny ivory cell
在一个微型的象牙牢笼
God's heaven and hell.
上帝的天堂与地狱并存


本人英文不好,望高手指正,谢谢大家

处于意料地翻页了
http://www.douban.com/group/topic/12852407/?start=100
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回应 (151条) 只看楼主

  • 正宇同学
    汝为什么一下子用汝一下子用你一下子用吾一下子用我丫
  • Amberose
    我也觉得好混乱,但是统一用“你、我”或者“汝、吾”会感觉很不对劲……
  • 正宇同学
    吾铭记你的青丝...难道你觉得还有什么能比这更不对劲的么...老实说有些句子翻译得很让人眼前一亮....但是每次看到你的汝和吾我都有眼前一黑的感觉...
  • 立。雨
    你到底想干什么,学中国古诗表达,你一下吾一下汝,我看真的是吾汝!
  • 呵呵呵
    英文不好,中文就好?不伦不类
    LS我喜欢你
  • 没道理
    我冒昧说一句,觉得译文读起来很做作
  • Amberose
    ╮( ̄▽ ̄")╭ ,我确实很对不起大家以及原作者呢……
  • solayoooooo
  • royliudb
    給你一個小建議,

    Were it worth the pleasure,
    如果它... (其實事實是相反的)
    We never could learn love's song,
    我們就無法...

    Were it not for Anne Sullivan's patient teaching, Helen Keller might have lived in a world of darkness forever.
    如果沒有Anne Sullivan的耐心教導, Helen Keller可能永遠活在黑暗世界裡.

    不管中文或英文寫作, 請記住要維持統一性或一致性, 用"你"就不要用"汝".
    無論做對或做錯都是好的開始, 替你加油!
  • Amberose
    谢谢楼上嗯~ o(* ̄▽ ̄*)o
    我有的地方用“汝”是为了表明“你的”
    比如:
    And you warbled each pretty word
    汝声颤啭回旋
    With the air of a bird;
    与莺声调同歌

    And your voice had a quaver in it,
    汝音八分颤入言
    Just like a linnet,
    恰似红雀

    总之还是有不足的地方囧
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