1. Finding strength in the face of hardship doesn't release us from the responsibility of working to prevent hardship in the first place. You don't have to experience tragedy to build your resiliance for whatever lies ahead
2. Personalization-we're at fault; Pervasiveness-the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; permanence-the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever. Realizing tragedies aren't personal, pervasive or permanent makes people less likely to get depressed.
Studies of affective forecasting-our prediction of how we'll fee in the future-reveal that we tend to overestimate how long tragedy event will affect us.
3. just as we banish "sorry" from the vocabulary, we should eliminate "never" and "always" and replace "sometimes" and "lately"
4. a cognitive behavioral technique: write down a belief that's causing you anguish and follow it with proof that the believe is false:
eg: I'll never love again and die alone
-I still have plenty of time, and there're plenty of people out there looking.
5. How to breathe through the waves of anxiety: breathe in for a count of six, hold my breath for a count of six, then exhale for a count of six
6. Part of every misery, is misery's shadow..the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. Instead of being surprised by the negative feelings, I expected them. When I stopped fighting those moments, they passed more quickly.
7. If your ankle get shattered, people ask to hear the story. If your life gets shattered, they don't.
8. Even people who have endured the worst suffering often want to talk about it
9. a casual greeting like "how are you"hurt because it didn't acknowledge that anything out of the ordinary had happened. if people instead asked "how are you today", it showed that they were aware that I was struggling to get thru each day
10. what worked best was when people said "I'm here if you ever want to talk, like now, or later, or in the middle of the night. whatever would help you." The worst thing that people can say is "it's going to be ok".
11. how about "I know you don;t know yet what will happen-and neither do I. But you won;t go thru this alone. I'll be there with you every step of the way"
12. The most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. To literally say the words: I acknowledge your pain. I'm here with you
13. Instead of asking "if there's anything I can do", just offer something. specific acts help because instead of trying to fix the problem, they address the damage caused by the problem
14. draw a circle of anyone who're influenced by a tragic event, then categorize them by how bad they're influenced. Wherever you're, offer comfort in and seek comfort out.
15. Friendship isn't just what you can give, it;s what you're able to receive.
16. self compassion: offer the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to a friend
17. Blame our actions, not our characters.
18. We're all broken by something, we have all hurt someone. Each of us is more than the worst thing we've ever done.
19. turning feelings into words can help us process and overcome adversity. Labeling negative emotions makes them easier to deal with. The more specific the label, the better
20. counting our blessings doesn't boost our confidence or effort, but counting our contributions can
21. empathy is good, but encouragement is better
22. Joy is the ultimate act of defiance
23. How we spend our days, is how we spend our lives. Rather than waiting till we're happy to enjoy the small things, we should go and do the small things that make us happy.
Happiness is the joy you find on hundreds of forgettable Wednesdays
24. As we grow older, we define happiness less in terms of excitement and more in terms of peacefulness. Peace is joy at rest, and joy is peace on its feet.
25. the feeling of math being hard is the feeling of your brain growing
26. Let no man pull you so low as to hate him
27. We find our humanity-our will to live and our ability to love-in our connections to one another
28. gathering and act on negative feedback is how you reach your potential
29. Most of the couples' fights weren't about money or sex but about failed bids for connection
30. You cannot outrun any addiction. You must heal, and that takes a kind of love that no one else can provide you
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