他没那么喜欢你,你也没那么喜欢他

格拉特尼
他没那么喜欢你,你也没那么喜欢他
2017.6.25
格拉特尼

      犹豫了一会最后决定看完这本书后写点什么。最近有这种感悟,赚钱最要紧,所以用本来可以拿来投入工作和学习的时间写这么篇啰嗦无趣的小文章是不划算的,但是我就是一直在浪费时间啊,也不在乎多浪费一点时间说点压在心里有一段时间的话。而且我习惯遇到问题先自己努力解决(其实是也没什么人可以帮我),有很多问题就是在写作的过程中被不断分析,可能我把背景写完了自己就认识到问题在哪里、我该做什么了,接下来根本用不着把问题抛给别人。我写这篇小文章的目的是记录经历和心情,然后还是该干嘛干嘛,让不开心的回忆都过去吧。

      看这本书的初衷是调解情绪。结束初恋以后空窗了一年半,5月中旬在我妈的压力下,跟一个以前见过一面的男孩子微信聊了四周,中间他说过“我开心,想什么都满足你”这种会心一击的话;6月9日约了一顿饭,分开时对方说下次我们挑一个周末的时间约,然后没有征兆、莫名其妙淡掉了。之后没联系的几天,很难过,预想不到的难过,难过到怀疑是不是抑郁症的前兆了,会一直想为什么他不联系我。
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他没那么喜欢你,你也没那么喜欢他
2017.6.25
格拉特尼

      犹豫了一会最后决定看完这本书后写点什么。最近有这种感悟,赚钱最要紧,所以用本来可以拿来投入工作和学习的时间写这么篇啰嗦无趣的小文章是不划算的,但是我就是一直在浪费时间啊,也不在乎多浪费一点时间说点压在心里有一段时间的话。而且我习惯遇到问题先自己努力解决(其实是也没什么人可以帮我),有很多问题就是在写作的过程中被不断分析,可能我把背景写完了自己就认识到问题在哪里、我该做什么了,接下来根本用不着把问题抛给别人。我写这篇小文章的目的是记录经历和心情,然后还是该干嘛干嘛,让不开心的回忆都过去吧。

      看这本书的初衷是调解情绪。结束初恋以后空窗了一年半,5月中旬在我妈的压力下,跟一个以前见过一面的男孩子微信聊了四周,中间他说过“我开心,想什么都满足你”这种会心一击的话;6月9日约了一顿饭,分开时对方说下次我们挑一个周末的时间约,然后没有征兆、莫名其妙淡掉了。之后没联系的几天,很难过,预想不到的难过,难过到怀疑是不是抑郁症的前兆了,会一直想为什么他不联系我。

      其实我并没有决定在这个时间重新开始一段关系,也不觉得这个男孩子是我的理想型,我们也没要好到展露了真正的自己。只是跟年轻可爱的男孩子相处,真的是光说话就会觉得开心了,开心到会心生期待,想想如果跟这个人在一起会是怎么样的,也很认真地为那次见面做了准备。我觉得这是我第一次相亲,虽然不知道对方是怎么看待的。我觉得我之所以那么难过,不是因为我有多么喜欢他,而是出于没有得到异性肯定的失落。因为如果我真的很喜欢他,我应该可以做到不那么看重自尊,多主动去联系对方的吧。套用一句亦舒的万能金句,爱得不够。

      现在我不想纠结为什么他不联系我这个问题了,可能是我不得他的眼缘,可能他有别的感情问题,但不需要我为他想理由,我可以确定的是He’s just not that into me.

      这本书的内容可以不用很认真地全信,作者只是明确地告诉女孩子们陷入一段不对的感情是百害而无一利的,并不会帮助你找到对的人,而且结尾也说明了女孩子们严格按照这个标准行动,能保证的只是做到筛选掉不对的人,仅此而已。你得做好准备,那就是你可能永远遇不上那个对的人。这也印证了我的想法,这个世界上我喜欢你、刚巧你也喜欢我的事情真是太少了,有可能永远不会发生。并不是我喜欢你,你就要对我有所回报的,你甚至完全可以无视的。如果一个人的目标只是找一个还行的人结婚,那就有更务实的做法。当然,要做到这条,也是不容易的。

      最后,这本书虽然据说是四级的水平,但是很多表达真的是能看懂、写不出啊。摘录了部分附后。

I’m really going to have to explain to you why you shouldn’t be dating a married man? Well, okay: Here is the lowdown on your boss. He’s married and having an affair, which indicates to me so many things. First, he’s okay with being dishonest. (Nice.) Second, he’s fine with cheating on his wife. (Super.) Third, he has no regard for his marriage. (What a gem.) Fourth and most specifically to you, he has no real regard for you, because what you’re getting from him is scraps—stolen time that’s cloaked in shame. (Just what you always dreamed of as a girl, right?) And because this is a workplace affair, who do you think will be asked to leave when the romance goes sour or becomes watercooler fodder that threatens his job and/or marriage? You. And whose reputation as a serious business-person will be compromised? Did you guess you? Good girl. Regardless of how much his marriage sucks or how awful his wife is to him, it obviously isn’t that bad or he would get out of it. A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy.

Here’s my vote: It doesn’t sound like he’s given you good enough reason to keep sitting through his one-man show called “I Want to Kill My Wife.” If he isses you, he can get his act together and call you when his head is clearer.

Reset Your Standards
Let’s set a dignified bar for you to exist at. Let’s put you in charge with how it’s going to go next time. A standard is setting a level for yourself of what you will or won’t tolerate. You get to decide how it’s going to be for you. You can now design the person you want to be in the future, and the standards you want to have.
Standard Suggestions
I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first.
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.
I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.
I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.
I will not be with a man who’s afraid to talk about our future.
I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
I will not date a man who is married.
I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.

Q:Are you so sure there are so many great guys out there, that I can just throw all these other less-than-perfect guys away?
A:I don’t know how to answer that except to say that being in a good relationship is much better than being in a bad relationship, and you’ll never be able to be in a good relationship if you’re sticking with Mr. Shitty What’s His Name. Only you can know if the relationship you’re in isn’t good enough for you.

Q:What if I would rather be with someone who might not be that into me than be alone?
A: I get it. You can feel like crap and be alone. Or feel like crap and at least have someone to spend the holidays with. Got it. It seems like it might be a fair trade, except for the fact that it means the only two options you are giving yourself involve feeling like crap. By staying with the guy who’s not that into you, you are ensuring that you’re never going to find one that is. I say, not to anyone’s surprise, take the risk of not having someone to spend Christmas with, possibly feel lonely for a while, but know that you’re doing it for a much bigger payoff at the end.
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