心很脆弱,你要学会哄TA

DONT_BOTHER
2020-05-26 看过

(以下边读变更新,也不知道自己说了些什么...)


Chapter 1 The Uncomfortable Truth

感觉说教意味太强。你不用举那么伟大的例子告诉我真正的Hope是什么呀?

什么是Uncomfortable Truth?补充一下:

If I worked at Starbucks, instead of writing people’s names on their coffee cup, I’d write the following:

One day, you and everyone you love will die. And beyond a small group of people for an extremely brief period of time, little of what you say or do will ever matter. This is the Uncomfortable Truth of life. And everything you think or do is but an elaborate avoidance of it. We are inconsequential cosmic dust, bumping and milling about on a tiny blue speck. We imagine our own importance. We invent our purpose—we are nothing.

Enjoy your fucking coffee.

Chapter 2 Self-Control Is an Illusion

有点懵。

理智与情感的博弈。

如何博弈呢?用Three Idiots电影中的一句话总结:心很脆弱,你要学会哄ta。

所以不要批判自己,要学会接受自己,与自己商量着办?

关于这一点,因为已经是我认知范围之内,所以再看这个,索然无味。

Chapter 3 Newton's Laws of Emotion

NEWTON'S FIRST LAW OF EMOTION:For Every Action, There Is an Equal and Opposite EmotionalReaction.

我理解就是我们会解释任何发生在我们身上的事情,使其合理化。因为我们要达到自身的逻辑自洽,也就是作者所说的equalization。这种一定要“平衡”化的倾向,既可以伤害我们,也可以为我们所用。

But here’s the funny thing about value hierarchies: when theychange, you don’t actually lose anything. It’s not that my friend decided to start giving up the parties for her career, it’s that theparties stopped being fun. That’s because “fun” is the product of ourvalue hierarchies. When we stop valuing something, it ceases to befun or interesting to us. Therefore, there is no sense of loss, nosense of missing out when we stop doing it. On the contrary, we lookback and wonder how we ever spent so much time caring aboutsuch a silly, trivial thing, why we wasted so much energy on issuesand causes that didn’t matter. These pangs of regret orembarrassment are good; they signify growth. They are the productof our achieving our hopes.

这一段很有感触。诚然如此。外在事物其实客观存在的,变化的是我们的主管感受,比如,同样一种饮料,我爱喝的时候,就好喝;我不喜欢喝了,就难以下咽。饮料还是那杯饮料,是我们赋予给它的感觉改变了。彻底深刻理解了这一点后,我们可以改变很多事情。

NEWTON'S SECOND LAW OF EMOTION:Our Self-Worth Equals the Sum of Our Emotions Over Time.

But our inherent narcissism comes at a cost. Whether youbelieve you’re the best in the world or the worst in the world, one thing is also true: you are separate from the world.

我觉得,客观看待自己,适度自恋,是比较健康的一种方式。

NEWTON'S THIRD LAW OF EMOTION:Your Identity Will Stay Your Identity Until a New ExperienceActs Against It.

可以创造全新的体验去冲淡过去的执念。改变就是如此简单,但也非常困难。

改变当然痛苦。因为你要改变的是你的一部分,而这部分构成了你的自我。你改变等于割肉,能不痛苦吗?虽然痛苦,但又不是不可能。 文中举的例子是一个女孩被骗过,可能再也不相信爱情了,因为这样被对待,所以又这么对待下一个男孩,而分开的结果又加强了女生的信念。而被伤害的男孩,又重蹈女孩的覆辙...

所以,去爱,就像从来没有被伤害过那样吧。

自己需要打破自己固有认知的牢笼,因为既往的经验可以帮助我们应对未来,也局限了我们去探索未知。怀着开放的心态,可能会再次受伤,但还有创造美好体验的机会,但如果固步自封,那么永远不会有体验美好的可能性。

一个基本原则,我的认知永远有限和局限,有可能全部都错,所以对待不同的认知,不要急着否定,感兴趣就去了解,说不定另一片新天地就此展开。

想起之前看的那本李雪的《走出剧情》,不要给自己编故事了,你可以走出自己的剧情。

Chapter 4 How to Make All Your Dreams Come True

作者来了一场解构。从如何创建你自己的宗教开始?从六步构建你的宗教的步骤中,我们也了解了我们知道的宗教是如何通过这六步来进行自我实现的。内容涉及以下:

1. Belief systems.

2. How to find your first followers.

3. Rituals, rituals, rituals!

4. How to choose a scapegoat.

5. And finally, how to make money. hahah

六个步骤:

Step one: Sell Hope to the Hopeless

Step two: Choose Your Faith

每个人都有一个God’s Value。然后就会通过这个价值去看待其他任何事物,所以其他的事物都带上了这个价值的影子。

Step Three: Preemptively Invalidate All Criticism or Outside Questioning

构建这种一分为二的陷阱,获得认同。

Us-versus-them dichotomies。

Step Four: Ritual Sacrifice for Dummies—So Easy, Anyone Can Do It!

适时搞点仪式感。

Rituals are visual and experiential representations of what we deem important. That’s why every good religion has them.

Remember, emotions are actions; the two are one and the same. Therefore, to modify (or reinforce) the Feeling Brain’s value hierarchy, you need some easily repeatable yet totally unique and identifiable action for people to perform. That’s where the rituals come in.

Step Five: Promise Heaven, Deliver Hell

承诺美好的归宿,但实际上永远也不可能达到。反而在追寻的过程中更加痛苦,反向激励继续相信。

The beauty of a religion is that the more you promise your followers salvation, enlightenment, world peace, perfect happiness, or whatever, the more they will fail to live up to that promise. And the more they fail to live up to that promise, the more they’ll blame themselves and feel guilty. And the more they blame themselves and feel guilty, the more they’ll do whatever you tell them to do to make up for it.

Step Six: Prophet for Profit!

收获的时刻。

总结:

通过这些步骤的解构,好像觉得自己认清了religion的真相。

但是作者最后又说出了人间真相,那就是whether you realize or not, you are already in one.

但这又不是你我的问题,因为it's impossible not to adopt it.

Because the only thing that can ever truly destroy a dream is to have it come true. 最后这句话扎心了,哈哈哈。但是只要心态好,这个不是问题。因为你的幸福并不是实现了梦想才能拥有,而是过程中的每分每秒都是幸福的一部分。

Chapter 5 Hope Is Fucked

(本章多摘录)

尼采的观点:

Whereas master morality believes in the virtue of strength and dominance, slave morality believes in the virtue of sacrifice and submission.

Science is arguably the most effective religion because it is the first religion that is able to evolve and improve upon itself.

It is an ongoing, ever-changing body of evidencebased beliefs, one that is free to mutate, grow, and shift as the evidence dictates.

And that ability to look back and see progress, see growth happen, changed how people viewed the future. It changed how they viewed themselves. Forever.

Nietzsche, understanding that existence is inherently chaotic and unknowable, believed that we were not psychologically equipped to handle the task of explaining our cosmic significance. He saw the spate of ideological religions that spewed forth in the Enlightenment’s wake (democracy, nationalism, communism, socialism, colonialism, etc.) as merely postponing the inevitable existential crisis of mankind. And he hated them all. He found democracy to be naïve, nationalism stupid, communism appalling, colonialism offensive.

Nietzsche instead believed that we must look beyond hope. We must look beyond values. We must evolve into something “beyond good and evil.” For him, this morality of the future had to begin with something he called amor fati, or “love of one’s fate”: “My formula for greatness in a human being,” he wrote, “is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.”

这章逻辑有点“强大”了。

经验产生感受,感受催生价值,价值创造故事/意义。

然后相同的人聚在一起,形成宗教或者意识形态,群体与群体的不同由此划清界限。不同会产生冲突,而这种冲突对群体来说是必需的,因为冲突意味着区分,区分让每个群体更加认同自己。

These conflicts must exist because they maintain the meaning and purpose for people within the group. (P113)

Therefore, it is the conflict that maintains the hope.

So, we’ve got it backward: everything being fucked doesn’t require hope; hope requires everything being fucked.

所以说,是冲突维系了希望。

反过来说,就是所有的一切都是扯淡这件事不需要希望;反倒是希望的存在需要所有的一切都是扯淡。

Nietzsche believed that none of the ideologies generated by the scientific revolution would hold up in the long run.

尼采这观点这不就是增“熵”吗?一切趋于混乱无序。

然后尼采转而相信我们应该超越经验,超越价值,超越希望。接受一切的现实,什么也不改变。

Nietzsche instead believed that we must look beyond hope. We must look beyond values. We must evolve into something “beyond good and evil.” For him, this morality of the future had to begin with something he called amor fati, or “love of one’s fate”: “My formula for greatness in a human being,” he wrote, “is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it.

Amor fati, for Nietzsche, meant the unconditional acceptance of all life and experience: the highs and the lows, the meaning and the meaninglessness. It meant loving one’s pain, embracing one’s suffering. It meant closing the separation between one’s desires and reality not by striving for more desires, but by simply desiring reality.

It basically meant: hope for nothing. Hope for what already is—because hope is ultimately empty. Anything your mind can conceptualize is fundamentally flawed and limited and therefore damaging if worshipped unconditionally. Don’t hope for more happiness. Don’t hope for less suffering. Don’t hope to improve your character. Don’t hope to eliminate your flaws.

Hope for this. Hope for the infinite opportunity and oppression present in every single moment. Hope for the suffering that comes with freedom. For the pain that comes from happiness. For the wisdom that comes from ignorance. For the power that comes from surrender.

And then act despite it. (P114)

其实我理解作者的结论是,希望是中性的,它是一切坏的起因,也是一切好的起因。所以希望是虚无的。既然是虚无的,那就不要追求希望了,be better ourself!!!

This is our challenge, our calling: To act without hope. To not hope for better. To be better. In this moment and the next. And the next. And the next.

Everything is fucked. And hope is both the cause and the effect of that fuckedness.

自己梳理下:

宗教早先之所以产生是因为那时候物质生活太苦、寿命太短,活着的意义只能寄托于来生的美好,所以宗教就吸引了一大批信众。

而现在,人能够在今生就创造财富,过上较好的生活,有了此生的奋斗目标,对来生的美好希望就没那么强烈了。再加之,宗教这东西是最缺少证据的,如何让人们相信,一直以来都是大难题。科学的出现大大打击了宗教,因为科学体系就是以证据为依据的,所以科学逐渐成为了最大的“宗教”。综合种种,宗教慢慢式微。

但宇宙的无限最终会导向人类的终极问题,就是存在焦虑。

(哎呀,后面忘了。读英文书就是看的时候记得,看完就忘了。先这样吧。)

Chapter 6 The Formula of Humanity

小孩子容易受伤,为什么呢?

因为小孩子从有意识以来,他的原动力就是探索世界,体验一切未知,因为还没建立起好坏优劣的概念和经验,所以常常会受伤。

在一系列的探索当中,慢慢地对世界建立起一些概念,哪些东西是危险的?哪些东西是什么?哪些东西能吃?哪些东西难吃?当然,这中间,除了自己的探索之外,还有来自于社会、环境、父母的引导。

那为什么慢慢地,长大后就不会像小时候那样去探索世界了呢?

不是因为世界探索完了,这个世界一辈子也探索不完,况且还可以去探索宇宙呢。

作者说,是因为恰恰相反。正是因为我们发现世界太大,探索不完。所以我们的大脑就尝试去建立一些规则帮助我们识别这个世界。P123

How to Be an Adult

Eventually, though, we realize that the most important things in life cannot be gained through bargaining.

青少年和成年人的区别就在于,青少年会利用honesty作为达成其目的的工具,一旦遇到其他情况,他可能就抛弃honesty了。

而成年人,视honesty为自然而然的原则,Honesty本身就是目的,即使这样会对自己造成痛苦。 An adolescent will say that she values honesty only because she has learned that saying so produces good results. But when confronted with difficult conversations, she will tell white lies, exaggerate the truth, and become passive-aggressive. An adult will be honest for the simple sake that honesty is more important than her own pleasure or pain. Honesty is more important than getting what you want or achieving a goal. Honesty is inherently good and valuable, in and of itself. Honesty is therefore an end, not a means to some other end.

An adult will love freely without expecting anything in return because an adult understands that that is the only thing that can make love real. An adult will give without seeking anything in return, because to do so defeats the purpose of a gift in the first place.

青少年说爱你,但他口中的爱是要回报的;而成年人的爱,并不求回报,这种不求回报的爱才让爱是爱。

我理解,就是成年人与孩子的区别是,成年人不是纯为了自身的享乐而去做事情,孩子的世界以自身悲喜为驱动,而成年人懂得无条件、懂得牺牲、懂得原则。

但对于成年人、青少年和孩子的区分不仅仅是年龄,要看做一件事情的动机是什么?我理解,跟中国的“慎独”很相似,你能在无人知晓的时候也能够按照原则做事吗?

Why We Don't Grow

要避免conditonality,而act unconditionally。

无条件的行为很难,需要信念,即你相信即使结果是痛苦的,你也认为应该这么做。

这里让我想起了,之前看过的《被讨厌的勇气》里面的概念,即阿德勒说的他者信赖和他者贡献。但我因为没有充分地认识到,没有被说服,所以我目前还做不到。

The One Rule for Life

Kant argued that the most fundamental moral duty is the preservation and growth of consciousness, both in ourselves and in others. He called this principle of always putting consciousnessfirst “the Formula of Humanity,” and it kind of explains . . . well, like, everything, ever. It explains our basic moral intuitions. It explainsthe classic concept of virtue.34 It explains how to act in ourday-to-day lives without relying on some imagined vision of hope. It explains how to not be an asshole.

And, as if that weren’t enough, it explains all of it in a single sentence. The Formula of Humanity states, “Act that you use humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of anyother, always at the same time as an end, never merely as a means.”

Kant summed up these unconditional acts with one simple principle: you must treat humanity never merely as a means, but always as an end itself.

天哪,这难道就是我视之为至理名言的“要以人为目的,而不是以人为手段”的原话(英文版)?!

天哪!在这里遇到了,幸会。

读了作者的例子,我懂了。一切与人的交往和互动,如果是作为自己获得其他东西的手段,那么就没有在实践这条原则。

我和你聊天是因为我想和你聊天,而不是因为我想找人安慰我。

我送你礼物是因为我想让你开心,而不是因为我想要你的喜欢。

我爱你,只是因为你,而不要求你也同样爱我。

Chapter 7 Pain Is the Universal Constant

This is the Blue Dot Effect. The better things get, the more we perceive threats where there are none, and the more upset we become. And it is at the heart of the paradox of progress.

确实,如果世界上没有了犯罪和暴力,每个人会更幸福吗?NO。我们同样会因为那些小事情而烦恼。

人要放到环境中去磨炼而成长。温室里的花朵如果永远在温室里倒也无所谓,一旦要出去经历风霜雨打,必然是很难坚强下去的。

Developmental psychology has long argued something similar: that protecting people from problems or adversity doesn’t makethem happier or more secure; it makes them more easily insecure. A young person who has been sheltered from dealing with any challenges or injustices growing up will come to find the slightest inconveniences of adult life intolerable, and will have the childish public meltdown to prove it.

这和我之前认知的是一致的。

即每个人的幸福水平是恒定的,比如你很想买一件东西,好不容买到手了,你很开心,但是这种开心只能持续很短的一段时间,过了这段时间,你的幸福水平还是回归到你平常的水平。我们会因为人生过程中的事情和变化,引起我们幸福曲线的波动,但是从长远来看,我们的幸福水平是恒定的。除非你持续创造这种能够引起波动的事件。

知道了这一点,那么下一个问题就是,如何提高我们貌似“恒定”的幸福水平呢?

This is because pain is the experience of life itself. Positive emotions are the temporary removal of pain; negative emotions the temporary augmentation of it. To numb one’s pain is to numb all feeling, all emotion. It is to quietly remove oneself from living.

作者的观点很有意思,痛苦是生活的常量,甚至说是生活本身。而其他的情绪(快乐、挫折等)都只是短暂地停留一下。试图逃避痛苦,就是试图逃避生活本身。所以追求幸福本身是有毒的,因为结果总是挫败。追求幸福,逃避痛苦,不如学会如何有选择的承受痛苦。

Living well does not mean avoiding suffering; it means suffering for the right reasons.

The Only Choice in Life

释广德震撼的自焚。

我们应该embracepain,因为痛苦可以锻炼我们的心智,让我们更好地建立antifragility机制。如果一味地逃避压力、痛苦,这样的我们才会变得脆弱。

(作者这里讲了反脆弱那本书,反脆弱这本书我知道好久,是不是要开始看一下呢?)

What’s so remarkable about Thich Quang Duc is not that he chose to set himself on fire in political protest (although that ispretty damn remarkable). What’s remarkable is the manner in which he did it: Motionless. Equanimous. At peace.

Truly adult values are antifragile: they benefit from the unexpected. The more fucked up a relationship gets, the moreuseful honesty becomes. The more terrifying the world is, the more important it is to summon up the courage to face it. The more confusing life becomes, the more valuable it is to adopt humility.

Pain Is Value

When we pursue pain, we are able to choose what pain we bring into our lives. And this choice makes the pain meaningful—and therefore, it is what makes life feel meaningful.

Pain is the source of all value. To numb ourselves to our pain is to numb ourselves to anything that matters in the world. Pain opens up the moral gaps that eventually become our most deeply held values and beliefs.

When we deny ourselves the ability to feel pain for a purpose, we deny ourselves the ability to feel any purpose in our life at all.

Chapter 8 The Feelings Economy

正好可以结合《可预测的非理性》这本书。

即其实人做的选择大部分并不是“理性人”的选择,而且情绪和感觉驱动。

The world runs on feelings.

#FakeFreedom

Compulsive behavior aimed at experiencing more stuff is not freedom—again, it’s kind of the opposite.

是,有时候我们做一些事情,到底是因为我们真的喜欢,真的想要去做这些事情,还是仅仅因为我们不想missout。

More stuff doesn’t make us freer, it imprisons us with anxiety over whether we chose or did the best thing. More stuff causes us to become more prone to treating ourselves and othersas means rather than ends.

同意,少即是多。

RealFreedom

The only true form of freedom, the only ethical form of freedom, is through self-limitation. It is not the privilege of choosingeverything you want in your life, but rather, choosing what you will give up in your life.

Greater commitment allows for greater depth. A lack of commitment requires superficiality. (关于这一点,嗯...,我再想想。)

Plato's Prediction

作者的眼里,柏拉图可能是最接近真理的人。

我要看一下柏拉图的作品!

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