心痛的断背山 -- If you can't fix it you've got to stand it

怀玉
2006-01-26 看过
等不及电影,便找来原著小说看。薄薄十几页,在深圳返回上海的航班上看完。

一开始很诧异优雅的李安居然会拍这样的故事,飞机引擎的轰鸣声中,牛仔们粗糙的对话,既不美丽也不含蓄委婉。

可是慢慢地,在翻过几页之后,我跟着Ennis和Jack来到断背山,来到那个宿命的夏天,周围的一切突然变得无声无息,寂寞、哀伤、无奈,很多种感情如丝线般把我缠绕,越来越密,越来越紧,直到心痛。

*** ***

(从断背山一别4年后,两人首次重逢,Ennis对Jack说)“When we split up after we got paid out I had gut cramps so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate somethin bad at that place in Dubois. Took me about a year a figure out it was that I shouldn't a let you out a my sights.”

(之后,Jack在Siesta汽车旅馆里对Ennis建议,可惜这个梦想始终没有实现。)“If you and me had a little ranch together, little cow and calf operation, your horses, it'd be somoe sweet life.”

(Jack说这话的时候,他们并不知道这是两人最后的一次见面。)“...we could a had a good life together, a real good life. You wouldn't do it, Ennis, so what we got now is Brokeback Mountain. Everything built on that. It's all we got, body, all...Count the damn few times we been together in twenty years. Measure the short leash you keep on...You got no idea how bad it gets. I'm not you...You're too much for me, Ennis...I wish I knew how to quit you.”

(Jack意外死亡,他的妻子告诉Ennis)“He use to say he wanted to be cremated, ashes scattered on Brokeback Mountain.”

(然后Jack的父亲说)“Jack used a say, 'Ennis del Mar,' he used a say, 'I', goin a bring him up here one a these days and we'll lick this damn ranch into shape.' He had some half-baked idea the two a you was goin a move up here, build a log cabin and help run this ranch and bring it up.”

*** ***

(小说的最后...Ennis)he would wake sometimes in grief, sometimes with the old sense of joy and release; the pillow sometimes wet, sometimes the sheets. There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.
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