The other type of woman that gets me crazy with envy is the beautiful depressive. I know it's not good to glamorize depression, but I am speaking here of a more low-grade melancholy that would be a massive bummer in your supermarket checkout guy but works pretty well for a certain kind of long-limbed, lank-haired aspiring actress-poet. One Sunday I was walking around Brooklyn, looking for rice pudding, when I ran into the girlfriend of a close male friend of mine. She was jogging, milky legs extending for miles from her retro track shorts.
"How are you doing, Leanne?" I asked.
She looked at me all sleepy eyed and, with Victorian sigh, said"Shitty." I was so impressed! Who answers that question honestly? Let's say I was on my way to buy a gun with which to kill myself and ran into a casual acquaintance who works in PR for H&M:
CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE: Hey, what's up?
LENA: Oh, not much. Just going to buy something weird.
CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE: Long time, no see. How ya been?
LENA: Oh, ya know. Asi asi! Life is such a WEIRD thing, ya know? It's like OFF THE WALL! I mean, we should get coffee sometime. I'm literally free anytime.