Chapter 1：Giving from the heart
@The heart of nonviolent communicationNVC: a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart.
@A way to focus attentionWe perceive relationships in a new light when we use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Although I refer to it as “a process of communication” or a “language of compassion,” NVC is more than a process or a language. On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.
比如，我和别人辩论的时候是为了锻炼自己的思维，而不是为了吵架。我指出朋友的错误，是为了我们能相处得更好，而不是指责对方。I find that my cultural conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am unlikely to get what I want. I developed NVC as a way to train my attention—to shine the light of consciousness—on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking.
@the NVC processFour components of NVC: 1. observation 2. feeling 3. needs 4. request
@Applying NVC in our livers and world
@NVC in action:"murderer.assassin,child killer!"
Chapter 2 Communication that blocks compassion
@moralistic judgementsIn the world of judgments, our concern centers on WHO “IS” WHAT.Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
@making comparisonsComparisons are a form of judgment.
@ Denial of responsibilityOur language obscures awareness of personal responsibility.We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.Another time, when I was consulting for a school district, a teacher remarked, “I hate giving grades. I don’t think they are helpful and they create a lot of anxiety on the part of students. But I have to give grades: it’s the district policy.” We had just been practicing how to introduce language in the classroom that heightens consciousness of responsibility for one’s actions. I suggested that the teacher translate the statement “I have to give grades because it’s district policy” to “I choose to give grades because I want . . . ” She answered without hesitation, “I choose to give grades because I want to keep my job,” while hastening to add, “But I don’t like saying it that way. It makes me feel so responsible for what I’m doing.” “That’s why I want you to do it that way,” I replied.
@ other forms of life-alienating communicationCommunicating our desires as demands is another form of language that blocks compassion
Chapter three Observing without evaluatingWhen we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.I’ve never seen a lazy man; I’ve seen a man who never ran while I watched him, and I’ve seen a man who sometimes slept between lunch and dinner, and who’d stay at home upon a rainy day, but he was not a lazy man. Before you call me crazy, think, was he a lazy man or did he just do things we label “lazy”? I’ve never seen a stupid kid; I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did things I didn’t understand or things in ways I hadn’t planned; I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen the same places where I had been, but he was not a stupid kid. Before you call him stupid, think, was he a stupid kid or did he just know different things than you did? I’ve looked as hard as I can look but never ever seen a cook; I saw a person who combined ingredients on which we dined, A person who turned on the heat and watched the stove that cooked the meat— I saw those things but not a cook. Tell me, when you’re looking, Is it a cook you see or is it someone doing things that we call cooking? What some of us call lazy some call tired or easy-going, what some of us call stupid some just call a different knowing, so I’ve come to the conclusion, it will save us all confusion if we don’t mix up what we can see with what is our opinion. Because you may, I want to say also; I know that’s only my opinion.
@The Highest Form Of Human Intelligence
@Distinguishing Observations From Evaluation
P48-49Evaluations Observations You seldom do what I want. The last three times I initiated an activity, you said you didn’t want to do it. He frequently comes over. He comes over at least three times a week.
@EXERCISE 1 OBSERVATION OR EVALUATION1. “John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.” 1. If you circled this number, we’re not in agreement. I consider “for no reason” to be an evaluation. Furthermore, I consider it an evaluation to infer that John was angry. He might have been feeling hurt, scared, sad, or something else. Examples of observations without evaluation might be: “John told me he was angry,” or “John pounded his fist on the table.
Chapter four Identifying and expressing feelings
@ The heavy cost of unexpressed feelingsExpressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
@ Feelings Versus Non-FeelingsDistinguish feelings from thoughts. Distinguish between WHAT WE FEEL and WHAT WE THINK weeg I feel inadequate as a guitarDistinguish between WHAT WE FEEL and HOW WE THINK others react or behave toward us.eg unimportant\misunderstood\ignored
@ Building a vocabulary for feelingsfeeingling 词汇表
CHAPTER FIVE Taking responsibility for our feelings
@hearing a negative message:four optionsWhat others do may be the stimulus of our feelings,but not the cause.Four options for receiving negative messages: 1. Blaming ourselves2.Blaming others3.Sensing our own feelings and needs4.Sensing others' feelings and needsAs we shall see, the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. To relate her feelings to what she is wanting, Speaker B might have said: “When they cancelled the contract, I felt really irritated because I was hoping for an opportunity to re-hire the workers we had laid off last year.”
@ The needs at the roots of feelingsJudgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
@ The Pain Of Expressing Our Needs Versus The Pain Of Not Expressing Our Needs
@From Emotional slavery to emotional liberationFirst stage: Emotional slavery: we see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.Second stage: “Obnoxious”: we feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.Third stage: Emotional liberation: we take responsibility for our intentions and actions
Chapter six requesting that which would enrich life
@ using positive action languageMaking requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.Vague language contributes to internal confusion.
@Making requests consciouslyIt may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do when we simply express our feelings.For example, a woman might say to her husband, “I’m annoyed you forgot the butter and onions I asked you to pick up for dinner.” While it may be obvious to her that she is asking him to go back to the store, the husband may think that her words were uttered solely to make him feel guilty.It is more common, however, for people to talk without being conscious of what they are asking for. “I’m not requesting anything,” they might remark, “I just felt like saying what I said.” My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection—a verbal or nonverbal acknowledgmentThe clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
@Asking for a reflectionTo make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection.Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.we can explain to people ahead of time why we may sometimes ask them to reflect back our words. We make clear that we’re not testing their listeningskills, but checking out whether we’ve expressed ourselves clearly.
@Making requests of a group
@requests versus demand 区分需求和命令How to tell if it’s a demand or a request: Observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt-trip.It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
@defining our objective when making request
@summaryRequests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. We can help others trust that we are requesting, not demanding, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly.
chapter seven receiving empathically
the two pars of NVC:-expressing honestly -receiving empathically
@ Presence: Don't just do something,stand thereAsk before offering advice or reassurance.My friend Holley Humphrey identified some common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. The following are examples of such obstacles: • Advising: “I think you should . . . ” “How come you didn’t . . . ?” • One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.” • Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just . . . ” • Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” • Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time . . . ” • Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” • Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing . . . ” • Interrogating: “When did this begin?” • Explaining: “I would have called but . . . ” • Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.Questions such as, “When did this begin?” constituted the most frequent response; they give the appearance that the professional is obtaining the information necessary to diagnose and then treat the problem. In fact, such intellectual understanding of a problem blocks the kind of presence that empathy requires. When we are thinking about people’s words, listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people—we are not with them.we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing.
@Listening for feelings and needsListen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking about us.(trying to empathize with the needs being expressed through her husband’s message) “Are you feeling unhappy because you feel like I don’t understand you?” MBR: “Notice that you are focusing on what he’s thinking and not what he’s needing. I think you’ll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they’re needing rather than what they’re thinking about you. Instead of hearing that he’s unhappy because he thinks you don’t listen, focus on what he’s needing by saying, ‘Are you unhappy because you are needing . . . ’”
@sustaining empathyWhat evidence is there that we’ve adequately empathized with the other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will experience a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A second even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, “Is there more that you wanted to say?
@when pain blocks our ability to empathic
EXERCISE 55. Person A: How could you say a thing like that to me? Person B: Are you feeling hurt because I said that? 5. I see Person B taking responsibility for Person A’s feelings rather than empathically receiving what is going on in PersonA. Person B might have said, “Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked me to agree to do what you requested?”6. Person A: I’m furious with my husband. He’s never around when I need him. Person B: You think he should be around more than he is?6. If you circled this we are in partial agreement. I see Person B receiving Person A’s thoughts. However, I believe we are connected more deeply when we receive the feelings and needs being expressed rather than the thought. Therefore, I would have preferred it if Person B had said, “So you’re feeling furious because you would like him to be around more than he is?” 9. Person A: When my relatives come without letting me know ahead of time I feel invaded. It reminds me of how my parents used to disregard my needs and would plan things for me. Person B: I know how you feel. I used to feel that way too.9. I see Person B assuming that he/she has understood and talking about his/her own feelings rather than empathically receiving what is going on in Person A
Chapter eight the power of empathy
@empathy that heals
@Empathy and the ability to be vulnerable
@Using empathy to defuse danger
@Empathy in hearing someone’s”NO”
@Empathy to revive a lifeless conversationWe do this by tuning in to possible feelings and needs. Thus, if an aunt is repeating the story about how 20 years ago her husband deserted her with two small children, we might interrupt by saying, “So, Auntie, it sounds like you are still feeling hurt, wishing you’d been treated more fairly.” People are not aware that it is often empathy they are needing. Neither do they realize that they are more likely to receive that empathy by expressing the feelings and needs that are alive in them rather than by recounting tales of past injustice and hardship.Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
@Empathy for silenceEmpathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it.
Chapter 9 connecting compassionately with ourselves
@remembering the specialness of what we are
@ Evaluating ourselves when we’ve been less than perfect
@translating self-judgments and inner demandsSelf-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
@NVC MourningNVC mourning: connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions which we now regret.
@the lesson of the polka-dotted suit
@dont do anything that isn’t play
@translating “have to”to “choose to”With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.
@cultivating awareness of the energy behind our actions1)for moneyMoney is not a “need” as we define it in NVC; it is one of countless strategies that may be selected to address a need.2)for approval3)to escape punishment4) to avoid shame5)to avoid guity6)out of dutyChapter ten expressing anger fully
@distinguishing stimulus from causeThe cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.
@all anger has a life-serving coreThis may take extensive practice, whereby over and over again, we consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they . . . ” with “I am angry because I am needing . . . ”
@ Stimulus versus cause:practical implications
@four steps to expressing angerSteps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.
@offering empathy first
@Taking our timePractice translating each judgment into an unmet need.
the protective use of force
@when the use of force is unavoidable
@the thingking behind the use of force
The intention behind the protective use of force is only to protect, not to punish, blame, or condemn.
@types of punitive force
Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges
@the costs of punishment
When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
@two questions that reveal the limitations of punishment
Question 1: What do I want this person to do? Question 2: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?
@the protective use of force in schools
chapter 12 liberating ourselves and counseling others
@Freeing ourselves from old programming
@resolving internal conflictsShe was then asked to imagine the “career woman” voice taking an “NVC pill” in order to restate its message in the following form: “When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.
@caring for our inner environment
Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong. @replacing diagnosis with NVCWhenever someone in the group expressed feelings, he would offer his understanding of the psychological dynamics behind their feelings rather than empathize with the feelings. When this happened for the third time, one of the patients in the audience burst out, “Can’t you see you’re doing it again? You’re interpreting what she’s saying rather than empathizing with her feelings!
chapter 13 expressing appreciation in nonviolent communication
@The intention behind the appreciation
Compliments are often judgments—however positive—of others. Express appreciation as a way to celebrate, not to manipulate.
@The three components of appreciation
@the hunger for appreciation
@overcoming the reluctance to express appreciationyes, words may be poor vehicles in conveying our heartfelt realities, but as I have learned, “Anything that is worth doing is worth doing poorly!
@EpilogueMy grandmother loved to dance, and my mother remembers her saying often, “Never walk when you can dance.”