布园重访 8.3分
读书笔记 第141页
夭夭

… 他持续无望的祈祷, 无非是为了免受叨扰。在他内心里蔚蓝色的水边,飒飒的棕树旁,他就像一个快乐而无害的波利尼西亚人,只有当大轮船将船锚抛到了珊瑚礁上,切割机开上了潟湖的沙滩,山坡上出现了从未见过的靴印,商人的、官员的、布道者的、游人的侵略冷酷地踏上了这片土地——只有这时,他才开始翻出部落里古老的武器,在山坡上擂响鼓点;或者,更简单些,从阳光照耀的门边转身而去,孤身躺在黑暗之中,那里,墙上画着的无力的神像,只徒劳地排成一列,而他,在一堆朗姆酒瓶子中间把心都咳了出来。

... His constant, despairing prayer was to be let alone. By the blue waters and rustling palms of his own mind he was happy and harmless as a Polynesian; only when the big ship dropped anchor beyond the coral reef, and the cutter beached in the lagoon, and, up the slope that had never known the print of a boot, there trod the grim invasion of trader, administrator, missionary, and tourist — only then was it time to disinter the archaic weapons of the tribe and sound the drums in the hills; or, more easily, to turn from the sunlit door and lie alone in the drakness, where the impotent, painted deities paraded the walls in vain, and cough his heart out among the rum bottles.

由于塞巴斯蒂安将自己的意识以及人类的感情需求也当作了入侵者的一员,他在阿卡狄亚的日子也就更加因此而屈指可数。这一段我眼里宁静的岁月,却让塞巴斯蒂安感到恐慌。我非常清楚他处于警觉和怀疑时的状态,就像一头小鹿因为很远处轻微的狩猎信号,而忽然抬起头来。我见过他一想到自己的家庭和信仰时,忽然变得警惕起来的样子,现在我也成为那些可疑的因子。他并没有失去爱,但他丢掉了享受爱的乐趣的能力,因为我不再是他的孤独中的一部分。

And since Sebastian counted among the intruders his own conscience and all claims of human affection, his days in Arcadia were numbered. For in this, to me, tranquil time Sebastian took fright. I knew him well in that mood of alertness and suspicion, like a deer suddenly lifting his head at the far notes of the hunt; I had seen him grow wary at the thought of his family or his religion, now I found I, too, was suspect. He did not fail in love, but he lost his joy of it, for I was no longer part of his solitude.

… 塞巴斯蒂安身上前一个学期的悲伤,现在让位给了一种愠怒,甚至包括对我。他心里一定有什么地方很痛,我不知那是什么,更不知道怎样去帮他,只是替他伤心。

现在,他只有喝酒时才会开心。

... The sadness that had been strong in Sebastian the term before gave place to a kind of sullenness even towards me. He was sick at heart somewhere, I did not know how, and I grieved for him, unable to help.

When he was gay now it was usually because he was drunk, ...

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