灰烬的光辉 9.5分
读书笔记 p24,火印
特粉😳

(经豆油提醒,补了一个新的英译本)毫无疑问,该诗是策兰不为人所熟知的杰作之一。

1、王译:因为我们处在钟表内的黑暗里 孟译:因为我们躺在忧郁钟表的齿轮里 j译:for we lay in melancholia’s clockwork a译:for we lay in the clockwork of depression

王译读来舒畅,但j和孟内容大体一致,或许更贴近原文.

2、王译:枝条 孟译:荆条 j译: rods a译:whips

二英译的暴力意味显著,根据孟译下的注释,私以为”荆条“最佳。

3、王译:我和你说起愈来愈亮的黎明 孟译:于是你唠叨一种扩大的朦胧 j译:and you spoke a budding dusk a译:and you spoke growing twilight

王译当有误。

4、王译:我十二次对你说起你言辞的夜晚 孟译:我对着你的词语之夜说了十二次你 j译:and twelve times I said you to the night of your words a译:and twelve times I said du to the night of your words,

王译当有误。

5、王译:我一只眼睛放在她的腿上 孟译:我把一只眼塞进它的怀抱 j译:I put one eye in its lap a译:I laid one eye in its lap

当以j译,a译为准,lap显然更精确。

6、王译:我连接起它们之间的导火线,打开静脉 孟译:在两眼之间扎了一根火绳,裸露的血管 j译:looped the fuse between the two, the open vein a译:strung the fuse between them both, the open vein

当以英译为准,open vein为fuse的同位语,英文表达的优势所在。

7、王译:一道新生的闪电掠过 孟译:一道年轻的闪电泅了过来 j译:a young lightning bolt swam along a译:a young flash came floating

当以j译为准,沿着导火线,闪电游来。王译具有力度,但根据另外三个译本都同水流关联,似有元素欠缺。

附上j译全诗,该译本复制了策兰原作的形式:

STIGMA

We slept no more, for we lay in melancholia’s clockwork and bent the hands like rods, and they sprang back and whipped time and drew blood, and you spoke a budding dusk, and twelve times I said you to the night of your words, and it opened and stayed ajar, and I put one eye in its lap and braided the other into your hair and looped the fuse between the two, the open vein — and a young lightning bolt swam along.

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